Guide Show Offs: Tales of Forced Exhibitionism and Female Submission

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An innocent agreement to help her lose weight and get fit stokes carnal desires in both of us that prove impossible to resist. But will we get caught? She fears death, she fears the funeral director, but what does she really have to be scared about? The dead can't scream. And we like to have a third person in our sex life. Anal and oral between men and men. Oral between women and women.

Anal between man and woman. He soon learns Eve's got a few secrets of her own and he discovers a few things about himself he never knew. The joy of wearing women's clothing. Sometimes there's wonderful stories, and other times there's Wood II. I get to play a wide variety of roles, meet new friends and wear new outfits! She had been gone for several years now, however, all of a sudden, she started to visit me at my school. If this is your kind of story, then enjoy, if not, thank you for stopping to take a look.

Do you write sex stories or sex-related texts? Register here to post. Free Sex Stories, erotic stories, sexual, taboo stories and texts. You can get plenty of fantasy material from porn without ever having to try specific activities yourself - that you like to watch it on screen is enough. Your sexuality, alone or with partners, can be enhanced by those images: Notice what you find anti-erotic too.

Alternatively, you can try to figure out just what it is that bothers you, maybe learning something important about your sexual responses in the process. Remember that a tremendously wide range of fantasy material can sexually arouse humans, and finding something erotic is not the same thing as wanting to do it in real life or even endorsing it! You might benefit from reading more about fantasy and the part it plays in sexuality, and Dr. Also, notice whom you find erotic. Her tone of voice? The things he says?

You get the idea. You can like - or dislike - all kinds of things in a porn movie. Pay attention to the things that erotically move you or interest you. You can find yourself attracted to characters, their body types, the way they talk or move, their timing, the erotic roles they play, the environment, the kind of sex they have, and the way they have it, among many other things. These are all fantasy building blocks, and the more of them you recognize, the richer your fantasy life can be. Lots of phone sex workers - professional hot talkers - watch porn to give them ideas.

I suggest you go one step further and comb porn for the elements that make it hot for you. Here are some signs that your body is responding to one or more of these many elements. Wet pussies, too, of course - though women are very different in the amount of vaginal lubrication they produce. Other signs of arousal are feeling squirmy or fidgety, a flushed, warm face or other body parts, clenching or fluttering pubococcygeal or other muscles, and changes in your breathing and heart rates.

Notice one more thing - with whom do you identify? Maybe you want the kind of sex they get to have; many heterosexual men like to watch lesbian porn not because they fantasize about bursting in and fucking all the women though that can be a fun fantasy, too , but because they perceive woman-woman sex as more sensuous and full-body than the mostly penis- and performance-oriented sex men get to have in porn films.

For example, a shy man may identify with a sexually assertive man, or a reserved woman with an insatiable woman. You may identify with actors who present themselves sexually the way you feel you already do. You may have a fantasy in which you trade in your sexual orientation for a moment by imagining yourself the other gender the way I did when, watching male-male porn, I fantasized that I was a gay man.


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In your fantasy you may see yourself without any gender at all, or feel like both at once, or some gender other than male or female. If this idea intrigues or feels librating to you, I recommend the fun, charming, thought-provoking work of Kate Bornstein, especially My Gender Workbook. Objectification I am certain that my pleasure at working in the peep show had to do with the fact that there I could indulge my voyeurism and my exhibitionism at the same time. I had already discovered that I loved masturbating watching porn videos. I had also discovered the pleasure in being watched while I masturbated.

Without exception, I had less fun and was less turned on with those customers who wanted only to watch. It was a complex response loop - not only did I get to indulge in voyeurism with the customers who jacked off, I also got - ahem! I had the same experience there with talking dirty. It was always more fun when they talked back. Perhaps to really relish a peep show or porn career you have to be a dyed-in-the-wool exhibitionist; for some people, it would be discomfiting to know that strangers are masturbating to memories or pictures of you.

Do women in the sex industry suffer from the attentions of voyeurs? I have framed the question in a way the people who object to objectification never would. This neatly sidesteps the fact that many sex workers are men, too. However, they are mostly voyeuristic men - they share a particular sexual interest, a strong focus on watching. Many other men express little or no interest in this sort of sexual entertainment. Further, who ever suggests that exhibitionism is one reason some sex workers like their work?

Certainly not every woman - or man - in the sex business is an exhibitionist. Some of the women at the peep show found nothing arousing about the situation except the paycheck. But many who assume it would feel degrading to fuck before a camera or dance naked for strangers are not the least bit exhibitionistic.

How, then, could they understand that such activities could be exciting to those of us who do eroticize sexual show-offery? Some of them may also be ashamed of their own voyeuristic turn-on.

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There can be no doubt that some phone sex workers, erotic video performers, and exotic dancers are the most professional and effective exhibitionists in the land. Thinking about strippers and porn stars just makes me feel inadequate. Sorry to burst your bubble! Some genres of porn rely on over women, plus-plus sizes, hairy bodies, and many other physical styles that the culture as a whole does not code as automatically desirable.

Exhibitionistic sexuality does not depend on youth, physical perfection, or any particular visual cue. Dwelling on what you look like is a great excuse for neglecting to explore how erotic you can feel. Porn movie star Nina Hartley is the most outspoken and articulate spokesperson for exhibitionistic sex workers - those who are frank that their performances give them sexual pleasure, and that they eroticize performing.

Nina is one of the top stars in the nation because, besides being an attractive, sexy woman, she enjoys her work as only an exhibitionist can. I once attended a workshop of pro-feminist men as they agonized over pornography. Did it objectify women? He had heard enough about her to know that he could respect her progressive politics - probably a more important point in this crowd than in others! Seeing her on screen, he said, he could really tell that she wanted to be there.

I told Nina this story. When people look at me they usually then behave in a sexual manner. Plus I was always fascinated watching porn, and I knew that other people had to be watching it with the same intensity and detail that I was. I think he was talking about objectification. I think folks who decry sexual objectification simultaneously decry fantasy, for the vast majority of people, men as well as women, do nothing more with their voyeuristic crushes than masturbate and fantasize.

You will hear some of the characters talking explicitly. You can respond to words and vocalization on top of noting what kinds of scenarios make you hot. You can close your eyes and just listen, making your own pictures in your head. You may want to describe porn scenarios to your partner later, or use them for a fantasy jumping-off place. One-on-one chat lines provide a good forum for the ecouteur, but the person on the other end will probably expect you to talk back.

If you just want to listen, you might look for a party line where a number of people call in for a sort of telephone orgy. Online versions of this exist as well, though hearing actual voices is, for the hot talk student, better than just watching sexy comments scroll by on your computer screen. You may prefer other sex-industry options for watching and listening, like peep shows, phone sex lines, exotic dance clubs, and so on. Or you may prefer to watch erotic, but non-explicit, movies.

You may enjoy looking around your everyday world with a voyeuristic eye to its erotic potential. You may already have an enthusiastic, exhibitionistic, sexy-talking partner to share your explorations with. In all cases, if you want to learn from voyeurism how to be an exhibitionist, if you want to learn from listening how to talk, stay alert to the many facets of your arousal, and with what and whom you identify. These will teach you what you want to do and what you want to say.

Becoming comfortable with this has two steps, each of which can involve any number of permutations. Second, you need to figure out which forms of exhibitionism work best for you. Flow do you feel most erotic, confident, and, most importantly, turned on? You saw a flasher in the park and felt frightened. Someone pressured you into showing off. You dressed erotically and felt unpleasantly exposed.

Let 'em Look: Erotic Stories of Forced Exhibitionism and Female Submission by N.T. Morley

All these situations are fairly common. If someone has pressured you into something, you might not have said no, but neither have you given clear consent. Remember that exhibitionism entails first enhancing your own erotic feelings. No matter how shy you are, if you can let erotic pleasure take you over anyhow, you become more sexually present and powerful - in short, you become someone special. You can ease into exhibitionism, and you can go only as far as you want and then stay there happily.

Conscious sexual development involves knowing when you want to stop just as much as knowing when you want to go. If what you want to try is in fact dangerous or risky, keep it in fantasy or strategize ways to minimize your risk. It only feeds obsessive behavior to think you have no control over your own sexual choices.

You can be an exhibitionist without ever conquering the fear of appealing to strangers. Just because you fantasize about someone watching you while you undress, you have not given anyone a license to peep through your curtains. You can be absolutely reserved in public and still be a provocative show-off with your lovers. Your desires, your boundaries, and your limits are paramount. You can decide how much of a show-off you want to be, in what contexts, and with which partners. You can explore any aspect of exhibitionism you want and never have to go further than you wish.

And have I asked for this treatment? You can cultivate your own erotic enjoyment in being viewed and in showing off your sexuality at your own pace; in fact, you can be a happy exhibitionist without ever showing off for anyone. It can be anyone - a stranger, your partner, a dream lover. Rather, imagine that someone who turns you on knows you want to be watched and has made an end run around your shyness to do just that.

If you want to embroider the fantasy with details - where your mystery guest is hiding, what will happen next - go ahead. Instead, focus on your feelings as you imagine being observed. Fantasize next that your admirer watches you very openly. Again, add any details you want, but keep track of your feelings. What elements of these fantasy situations arouse you? Is it the feeling of being furtively watched? Or being frankly and appreciatively stared at? I like showing off even more than being watched because it helps me tune in to a heightened awareness of my body.

Now, again all alone, dance to it. Feel your body move; disconnect your head from any worries about how you look, and concentrate on letting the music sink into your limbs. Express the music with your physical self. If there are no obstacles in the room, close your eyes for part of the time. Dancing by yourself has many delights - you can sing, you can be far more expressive with your body than you might dare to do in public, you can touch yourself. All right, now dance naked.

Or dressed erotically - whatever erotic dress means for you. Needless to say, if your thoughts turn to a special voyeur, raptly watching your undulations, thrusting hips, and flowing body - go with it! Flopefully the experience of dancing awakens not only a heightened consciousness of your body, but also of pleasure in your body.

The combination of music and motion warms your limbs. Now get a mirror, preferably one in which you can see your entire body. Cue the stereo up. Now, though, simply see yourself in motion, moving erotically, sensuously, experiencing physical pleasure as you do, and stay alert to see signs of that pleasure.

Maybe you will see it looking into your own eyes. Maybe your pelvis has developed a mind of its own. Maybe your body has chosen to move very slowly, as if through water. Something about your pleasure in the body will look pleasing to you. If you find you get distracted from your dancing, close your eyes for a while and go back into it. Wear clothing you feel attractive in. Show off for yourself. Discover how it looks to move in certain ways; see how the things that feel sexiest to do often convey the most sexiness. Do a striptease for yourself. Sex is adult play, and one of the biggest detriments of shyness is that it so often short-circuits our playful feelings.

As kids, we get to dress up and take on any number of roles - and then when we hit puberty all that is supposed to stop. But as Robert likes to say, even if they forgot to tell you, when you turned 18 you finally became old enough to become a grown-up version of the playful kid you once were.

So turn your mirrored room into an erotic playpen where you can mingle your adult feelings of sexuality with the sort of play-acting at which children excel. Few of us have bodies that would look right at home in Playboy or Playgirl or onstage at a strip club: Astonishingly, lots of perfectly gorgeous people consider their looks badly flawed. If beauties wail about their looks, it stands to reason that all we ordinary folk might be substantially more beautiful than we feel. Have you ever noticed how much better you look to yourself when someone else is in love with you?

Why not, then, begin to act as if someone - no, make that several someones! Finding fault with your physical appearance tends to distance and distract you from that glorious erotic being who lives inside your skin and wants only to luxuriate in pleasure. If you can stop the clamor long enough to let that being get the upper hand, you might find that it teaches you a thing or two about beauty. My friend Bayla recently attended a sex party.

I saw people who I thought were less attractive than me getting the kinds of things I want. It just means nothing at all. Because you see people having lots of fun who break all those rules. Too many of us have a prevailing belief that only the beautiful can truly attract love and sexual attention.

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We suffer from that mistaken notion especially when we are young, and it can poison our self-image. Only a minority have body types and faces that match the look Madison Avenue, even more than the adult industry, decrees to be attractive. These standards seem to weigh more heavily on women than on men, to be sure, but plenty of men are concerned about conventional ideals of male attractiveness, and men too can be struck by panic as they age and begin to see themselves as less sexually desirable.

Plenty has been written and spoken about these issues. I want to remind you here that most people have their own versions of any worries you have about your own physical attractiveness. Also, I want to emphasize that the pleasure of exhibitionism is not reserved for the young and beautiful. One woman I know is at least eighty years old. Julia Trahan is a performance artist whose work often deals with her own sexuality and with the effects on her life of a childhood accident which left her disabled.

It is hard because the urge to criticize ourselves is overwhelmingly strong. I think that all bodies are beautiful in millions of different ways - but I get down on myself too! Since I became a dancer, I have felt much better about myself. I even did a naked photo shoot myself not too long ago, with my favorite photographer Austin Young. My friend Suhaila was there for moral support and she has done a lot of modeling. She gave me some good advice. Something only you know.

Let them see the secret in your eyes. She became a porn star when she was forty years old, and she was wildly popular partly because her fans were so grateful to see a vital, mature woman on screen enjoying her sexuality. Who better than Juliet to comment on exhibitionism and the older woman or man? One of the healthiest things you can do for yourself is to get the sexual juices flowing. Your whole body is sexual. The quality of your life can improve tremendously. Through her exhibitionism she seeks to teach and inspire, especially older women and men who rarely hear supportive messages from the culture about their desirability and continued right to erotic pleasure.

It changed my ability to move and really be in my body. I remember being so surprised and delighted that that was possible. After boxing I took dance classes, because I had learned how to move. See what I mean? Just as the mature voyeuristic eye prizes signs of sexual energy and pleasure more highly than Playboy dimensions or movie-star looks, the exhibitionist has more immediate thrills available to her or him than expressing physical perfection. Ensuring that you have enough sexual and sensual pleasure in your life is the quickest and most thorough way to get that grounding. You may have already discovered how richly you can enhance your life by taking care of your own needs for sex and sensuality through masturbation, fantasy, and other sorts of self-pleasuring.

I mean, rather, truly sensual, leisurely self-exploration, where you set the mood, take time to explore your physical responses, and devote yourself to your own pleasure. Self-pleasuring has its own bountiful rewards, including heightened self-esteem, feeling more alive and powerful, more sexual satisfaction - and orgasms, too! Many women, influenced by sex-positive feminism and the work of Betty Dodson, Lonnie Barbach, Joani Blank, and others, are familiar with these ideas.

The Joys Of Solo Sex, The Multi-Orgasmic Man, and other books can inspire you to give yourself more erotic bliss and take your sexuality in hand, too - did you know that the most common exercises for men who want more control over the timing of their ejaculation and orgasm involve masturbation? Set aside as much time as you can allow for a self-pleasuring experience. Set the scene in a way that turns you on - do you love the sensuality of a candle-lit bath, or would you prefer to rent a couple of raunchy videos?

Take all the time you can getting aroused. Read an erotic book, if you like, or get out some sex toys, or call a phone sex line. Now settle down in front of the mirror you used in the dancing exercise. As you begin to touch yourself, watch yourself in the mirror. Look in your own eyes; watch your hands on your body; see the signs of your arousal. Your nipples may get hard, your skin flush; women may see their genitals getting swollen and moist, and men may see their cocks getting erect. Fantasize about anything you want, but keep watching.

This exercise has infinite variations. Watch yourself use a vibrator. Fuck yourself with a dildo and watch. Watch yourself in different positions. Wear lingerie or any sort of clothing that feels erotic to you. Notice which visual images of yourself please you the most. Talk about being your own private exhibitionist! It was so hot! Imagine someone peeping secretly while you masturbate. Someone watching you brazenly. Someone watching you and finding you so hot that they have to masturbate, too. If you have an adventuresome partner who supports your forays into exhibitionism, now you can involve her or him.

You can act out these fantasies of being spied on or openly watched; you can masturbate together, watching each other. You can situate a mirror next to your bed so that both of you can watch all your antics. Of course, the aim of these exercises with your partner is to get so aroused from her or his presence that you will want to see those eyes.

Masturbation, Talking Dirty, and Fantasy You can also adapt these masturbation exercises to your purpose if you want to learn to talk dirty. My first clue that erotic talk could be hot for me came during masturbation; I found myself talking as my orgasm neared, and it seemed to heighten my arousal and hasten and intensify orgasm. Even when I did not think I was fantasizing - I had no linear scenario running like a porn movie in my head - I talked dirty, usually as if I were addressing a lover. You can incorporate this into masturbation.

Especially if you think erotic words or phrases while you coo and gasp, you will find that as you get more turned on, the words will superimpose themselves onto the sounds. Give it to me! When you introduce erotic variation to yourself first, you allow yourself the opportunity to erotically fix on it.

Masturbation can serve as your lab, where you explore your own sexual responses to ideas and sensations. Many people think a fantasy has to have a linear quality, like a movie script, while their heads are filled only with fleeting images or one still picture. They may have no visual images at all, only a soundtrack. Let the scenarios, characters, words and images infuse your consciousness while you masturbate.

This may be true even if you read the same story or watched the same video outside a sexual situation and got nothing out of it, even disliked it. If you have a supportive partner, you might want to enlist their help in spinning fantasy material together. Partners can do something else of crucial importance in helping you overcome your shyness and pursuing exhibitionism: Ask her or him to tell you when you look or act sexy. Request acknowledgment when you manage to go further than you have in the past. If he or she appreciates the new you, be sure you hear about it. When Shyness is Sexy Some people find they can exploit their shyness to heighten sexual tension and erotic pleasure.

For them, an end to shyness might actually diminish their enjoyment. If this is the case for you, you can have even more pleasure if you recognize and manipulate your shyness. Most sex educators and therapists of the past couple of decades have been real cheerleaders for sex, insisting that people should feel positive about and unafraid of sexuality. This has helped countless people to overcome sexual difficulties. Most people do lead happier, more sexually satisfied lives when they get over the notion that sex is wrong and dirty.

I already mentioned theorist Dr. Many sex therapists presume that people derive less pleasure from sex when fear, guilt and shame get in the way. For some, however, these emotions actually give arousal its juice. If your turn-on is directly wired to the naughty, the nasty, the vulgar and obscene, and to sex as forbidden and frightening and depraved, I do not suggest you simply pull the plug and try to visualize butterflies and green meadows. In the second place, there are ways to capitalize on this source of sexual heat without truly believing that sex is awful, as are you for enjoying it.

Notice whether this type of arousal causes mixed feelings for you. If so, your shyness may be at least in part a reflection of this, if not a way of covering up how depraved you believe you really may be deep down. If you exaggerate your beliefs and concerns and make them central to your sexual fantasies, you can work their erotic potential even as you dispel some of their power over your psyche. Wallow in what a naughty, bad girl or boy you are! Make plans to confess your sins. What would they say? Imagine it, and say it to yourself. This exercise is not meant to reinforce negative feelings you have about sex or about yourself.

Work on learning a more positive and healthy approach to sex by getting more sex information or seeing a therapist. However, if you see sex as good but are aware that you have baggage that links your feelings about sexuality to your feelings of reticence and even shame, you may find that exaggerating these feelings helps put them into perspective for you.

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You are taking control of them and divesting them of their anti-sexual potential by giving an erotic spin to what may in the past have gotten in the way of your self-esteem. Turn your shyness into a sex toy! Play with it as a conscious element in your fantasies. Instead of seeing yourself as nervous and bumbling, see yourself in the character of a frightened virgin whether you are or not , and emphasize the erotic potential of the fear. I want to be baaaad!

It matters only that this fact becomes part of the eroticism of the act, not an impediment. It may even be true that fear, shyness, or shame is the source of your desire to exhibit yourself. In fact, there are probably as many kinds of desire for exhibitionism as there are exhibitionists - people of all sorts of sexual profiles and sexual desires can embrace exhibitionism and voyeurism, erotic talk and listening. The rest of their sexual interests will help shape the kind of exhibitionist they are. Dressing Up One variation of visual exhibitionism is so common that it really begs to be discussed first: Other species have special markings and coloration that attract mates; clothing serves homo sapiens the same way.

How you dress sends a powerful signal of identity, status, and sexual availability or interest. If you want to feel erotic, try erotic attire. What is erotic dress, exactly? As the Supreme Court justice said about obscenity, we know it when we see it; more importantly for exhibitionists, we know it when we put it on. In the first place, in what environment do you plan to wear a certain type of clothing? Will you be looking for attention on the street? Obviously to all but the most brazen of our exhibitionistic sisters and brothers, anyway , our wardrobe might change radically from one place to the other.

Out in the world we might want to be at least discreet enough to avoid arrest for disturbing the peace, while in private, short skirts, tight pants, and shows of cleavage, all traditional exhibitionistic streetwear, can give way to the bare essentials. Second, what sort of response do you want to evoke? Your exhibitionistic self s choice of dress will probably depend on the kind of erotic energy that fills you when you show off. Think about the different erotic messages you can send by the clothes you choose. The power of erotic dress goes much further than arousing our partners or suggesting erotic roles.

My nervousness disappeared because that was such an appealing fantasy for me. When I wear high heels and a garter belt and stockings to bed with my lover, the sex feels charged up partly because that outfit appeals to him, but also because I feel sexy in it - and because getting dressed meant that I was purposely clothing myself for making love. To explore the eroticism of deliberate planning for sex, start at your closet. What will drive your partner wild? What will they see when you take off this piece of clothing?

In bed if you get that far will you keep any clothes on? There are plenty of sources for these on the web and by mail. Or comb the shops in your town. You may find that different sides of your erotic personality come out when you wear different kinds of clothes. Or try the lingerie and see what comes up. It could be tight and clinging or long and flowing, extremely revealing or covering everything but wrists, nape, and ankles these three areas of the female body became highly eroticized during the era when women wore long dresses with high collars.

It could be leather or lace or latex, completely sheer or thick and velvety. It could fit a classic definition of erotic dress or its eroticism could be unique to you. Many kinds of footwear can carry an erotic charge - heavy black motorcycle boots, high spike heels, girlish sandals or mary janes, over-the-knee leather or patent boots, buffed-to-a- sheen wingtips. Bare feet or open-toed pumps revealing painted toenails drive some people wild.

Have you treated yourself to a pedicure lately? What about stockings, whether sheer and silky, fishnet, patterned, or cotton ones that are held above the knee with a garter? Give yourself some visual feedback. Experience yourself the way a partner would. If you have picked more than one sort of erotic dress, do your arousal and sexual feelings differ as you change your clothes?

The point is to increase your comfort with your body, including the way it looks, and to ground yourself in your exhibitionistic potential. You might even want to make a little altar to your erotic self as you evolve away from shyness - all you need is a Polaroid or digital camera and a sexy outfit or two. Candye Kane is a sexy, torchy blues singer - and a big woman. She likes lingerie, partly because it helps her feel erotic, partly because it gives her confidence. For those not permanently inclined, body paint, removable tattoos, and non-toxic, skin-friendly markers especially in the hand of an artistic friend can provide a fun incentive for showing off your body.

Other temporary modifications to explore include shaving or shaping your pubic hair you may discover new or changed sensation during genital stimulation when you do this. Hairdos of other types can be fun. Playing with wigs gives you lots of options without having to commit to bleaching, perming or coloring your hair. Or try wearing more outrageous makeup than you ever would under ordinary circumstances. Make your look extraordinary on purpose. Body modification can take many forms. Breast implants and reductions, facelifts, and other forms of cosmetic surgery have been around for years.

Some find that this gives them a whole new sense of wanting to show themselves off because such marking can feel highly exhibitionistic. Then again, it might make you a fascinating oldster. Most importantly, what enhances your erotic feelings and experience? What do you want to do? What do you want to say? How do you want to look? Beginning to answer these questions will help you bring your erotic personality to life. Cho is certainly not the only contemporary entertainment figure to struggle with body image issues, but she may be the only one to break through those issues by becoming a burlesque performer!

I just happened upon a belly dance convention and it was amazing. All these beautiful women of all ages and sizes dancing together and having a blast. I immediately began taking classes and even did some performing in Middle Eastern restaurants. What was the most challenging and exciting part of belly dance for me was learning how to communicate without words.

Belly dance is all about the simulation of intimacy, beyond words and in a way, beyond movement. It is also a very intricate and complex dance form, but one that exercises emotions as well as the body. That was the scariest for me, learning how to expose my emotions. As a comedian, I am able to use humor as a shield, so I can keep people from really knowing me.

As a dancer, people have to be able to see inside you, which is extremely exhibitionistic and terrifying, and then totally exciting! I just want to have mastery of this format, and be able to stand up there with all these secrets inside me, to reveal and conceal my mysteries at will, in order to express all that the music has to offer, to give a home to the rhythms and the notes, so the seat of the song can be in my hips and my heart, not just my mind. I asked her to talk about the social including sex-and-gender messages she wants her events to convey, since, besides showcasing ecdysiast and comic talent just like the burlesque halls of old, her gigs are full of surprises.

Burlesque is very feminist art, in my opinion, because it is women using their sexuality on their own terms. We own our bodies and we are using them the way we want! For me watching burlesque healed me from a lifetime of eating disorders and body issues because I got to see all different kinds of women, with different body types, including those I had not seen in a sexual context, being beautiful and proud. Really strutting their stuff. I think that female sexuality is so powerful and magnificent that the media is afraid to portray it with any dimension because then, how could it be controlled?

It might make women see how important and amazing we are! I feel so good about my body from showing it off. The approval and validation I get from an audience is vital to my own self-esteem. I have been down on myself for so long - finally exhibitionism has given me a reprieve from my own negative self-talk! If Anglo-Saxonisms turn you off, look for alternate language that turns you on - the turn-on, and the communication it facilitates, is the whole point.

If sexual slang is not part of your everyday speech, these may jump out of the text at you. Try to read them as simply descriptive. You can be a terrific erotic talker and never use them. You open your mouth - but no sound comes out. What can you do? You can start by practicing alone. Do you worry that explicit words will sound shocking, silly, trite or embarrassing coming out of your mouth? Begin by desensitizing yourself enough that you can actually speak them out loud.

The erotic drama and punch will return when someone is listening. In fact, it will probably return earlier than that. When the words no longer stick in your craw, take them into masturbation. As you get turned on, say them. Try to talk right up to and through orgasm. I have a friend who discovered a whole new territory when she began to do phone sex for a living.

She liked talking so much that she taped herself talking dirty while masturbating not forgetting the juicy sex sounds - punctuating hot talk with moans and sighs heats it up for the talker as well as the listener , then played it back and used it as a sound track the next time she masturbated. Getting really creative, she got another tape recorder and recorded herself listening to and talking along with the first tape, creating a tapestry of auto-erotic sound. What should you say? Especially as an addition to self-pleasuring, you can talk as blue a streak as you wish, and you need concern yourself neither with what your partner might find a turn-on nor what would drive your mother to wash your mouth out with soap.

Masturbation is your own erotic time, and devoting it to your most intense turn-ons will not only loosen you up for sharing with a partner, it will be its own reward. Listen to yourself talk while you masturbate - or even at other times when you have the privacy to talk to yourself. This is not a great exercise to do on a crowded bus, but if you can make solitary time, use it to get accustomed to hearing deliciously naughty things coming out of your mouth.

Next go back to the mirror and watch yourself say those words. Watch yourself masturbating and talking. Watch it later and talk back while you watch. Tape yourself talking while you masturbate. This kind of showing off can be done in the dark! At least some of what you will find erotic on a fantasy level will also sound sexy when you talk about it, so as a next step, explore the realm of erotic fantasy, searching for your hot spots.

This means, among other things, trying not to censor yourself when sexual thoughts flit into your head. Instead, note which erotic ideas or images grab your attention. Dwell on this and see where your mind takes you. If you find yourself responding to anything with physical signs of arousal, that will also be a clue.

Porn movies are one place to start. Images of explicit sex are extremely arousing for some people, not so inspiring for others. Try watching a few to see whether one or several engage your erotic imagination. Some porn videos feature talkative characters; if you can find these, you have the advantage of hearing sexy words spoken.

Especially if erotic talk is your aim, you might find more inspiration in hot talk CDs - and on the printed page. After all, you can watch sexual scenarios for hours and be as incapable of stringing a sexy sentence together at the end as you were when you began, but erotic stories are composed of the building blocks you want to play with - words.

You can get fantasy as well as vocabulary ideas from lurid romance novels and trashy porn books alike - the latter are a particularly rich trove of those words your mother would consider really filthy, hence a delightfully nasty source of inspiration if you want to go for hard-hitting dirty talk. However, your erotic talk need not be peppered with four-letter words to weave a very powerful spell around you and your partner. Some talkers never utter an explicit word; sexuality and subtlety can certainly go hand in hand.

If you have a kinky bent you might like what I used to read in college - old psychiatric case study collections. Heavy on moralistic judgment, but oh, those perversions! If you prefer your erotica on the literary side, you might appreciate Yellow Silk, Libido online at www. Other readers find this a turn-off. Some readers and porn viewers want their one-handed reading or fantasy-inspiring material to be as kinky or sleazy as possible, while others are fans of romantic or sensual work. Check out a variety of written porn and see what floats your boat.

The more you explore, the wider your potential for arousal may become. Talking With Your Partner This point has special relevance if you and your partner like different things.

What if you still feel reticent with your partner? You may have stage fright at the thought of getting started. This way you separate two possibly challenging aspects - talking about sex, and taboo words - and tackle them one at a time.

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In general, introducing such changes goes more smoothly if you put things positively: You can let your partner know you feel nervous about bringing the new idea up: Ask yourself before you begin: How can I broach this subject in a way that will feel safe for me? How can I try to make it feel safe for her or him? Share this book with your partner. Tell him or her the ideas you like. Erotic experimentation can feel emotionally risky for both of you.

Ask for support yourself, if you need it. That should be a strong incentive, even if you feel nervous at first! You can do this in a variety of ways: Obviously, this technique requires that you both be at least willing, if not avid, readers. You may discover erotic desires you want to explore together; you may uncover fantasies only one of you prefers and that you decide to restrict to a verbal role in your lovemaking - if you share them at all. This is all perfectly okay. Some of our most potent fantasy scenarios never get closer than words whispered in our ears, but they are no less powerful sexual experiences for that.

Do It On the Phone Another useful trick when beginning to talk with a partner is to do it live, but over the phone. Arrange a time you can feel comfortable exploring telephone play. Phone sex can be very smutty, highly romantic, or anything in between. Of course, you can do all this in person, too. Picking up the phone first, before the face-to-face encounter, is optional - but it often helps if you find that in person you get too easily distracted by all your wonderful options for non-verbal communication.

You can also practice your phone skills with an actual stranger - via either paid-for phone sex or a chat line. Of course, if this situation is a turn-on for you, go for it and put your hands in your pants - everyone else does. A hint - most phone sex workers find it very annoying when a caller grills them about their state of arousal, their personal lives, etc.

While talking dirty is the focus of this chapter, I should also mention another possibility you may find you enjoy - writing dirty. I mean writing explicit notes to your lover, or penning vignettes or journal entries to turn yourself on maybe in preparation for narrating them to someone later , describing a sexy scene from a dream, exchanging written fantasies with your partner which you can read aloud to each other , or - most interactive of all - sitting at a keyboard and exploring the cyberworld of computer sex.

If you can summon forth purple prose from your fingertips while another person waits with bated breath for your words, can increased comfort talking voice-to-voice be far behind? You should be aware that your fellow erotic adventurers in the world of cybersex may not always be who they say they are. But then, you too may find you enjoy trying on an entirely new sexual persona that does not match your physical self or everyday personality.

But if you need extra encouragement to take the plunge, remember that both your sexual self- esteem and your sex life are liable to get a boost from learning to talk in bed and wherever else you share sexual time with partners. For one thing, you can use hot talk to convey very specific information about who you are - what you want, how you like to be touched, how you feel in the erotic moment - in a way that feels sexy and accessible to your partner.

Conveying information erotically - not just explicitly - increases the likelihood that your partner will respond positively to your feedback or request. While limits and individual needs must be honored with or without the icing of sexy talk, the truth is that many of us get defensive and may not respond to direct feedback in a very open way. Conveying direction and preference erotically significantly increases our chances of getting not only a positive response, but a passionate one.

Most sex therapists teach a version of this strategy when a couple has become mired in resentful, difficult communication. Results improve when we communicate respectfully and positively. In addition to being sexier, the second example is phrased in positive, not negative, terms. Erotic talk is not just for heating up your partner, but for you too.

If it feels more like jumping through hoops than bringing both passion and easier communication to bed, take another look at your situation. Or, do you object to giving your partner direct feedback about sex, erotic or otherwise, and really wish that the sex would be better without your having to speak up? Your options range from confronting your partner and establishing new expectations together, to finding a counselor who can help both of you with your communications skills, to terminating the relationship. Most of us have to be directive with our partners at least some of the time, and if they respond to the feedback our sex lives nearly always improve.

Remember that the main reason to be exhibitionistic is still that it enhances your own sexuality, turns you on, increases your pleasure. Learning to do something pleasurable involves taking greater control of your own sexuality, thus helping you feel better about yourself. The better, more empowered, more sophisticated you feel about sex, the better it can be. Erotic talk can help put you in the mood as well as set the mood. It lets you put your toe into the water of an unfamiliar sexual practice to learn whether it feels warm and inviting.

Ideas and Exercises Here are more ideas to help you become more comfortable talking dirty with your lover. Take turns with your partner doing this exercise. This might sound more descriptive than erotic at first, but give it a try. By the time the sexual encounter has heated all the way up, what you describe will sound like talking dirty, I assure you!

For a nice variation on this exercise, tell your lover what to do to you. Suck on my nipples. Stroke your hands up my thighs, but stop right before Of course, you and your partner can do this simultaneously during lovemaking. If you still feel a little performance anxiety, try doing the descriptive exercise together, talking at the same time. The erotic cacophony can also be very exciting.

Another way to explore talking and fantasy with your lover can happen during sex, as foreplay, or during non-explicitly sexual, playful time. Simply narrate fantasies to each other. Alternatively, you and your partner can do this exercise in the form of questions and answers. Start out by setting the stage, then let your partner embellish it. Then you take over again. Then give the narrative thread back to your partner. If you have a number of uninhibited friends who like to talk about sexual topics, this exercise is great fun when done in a group - it livens up any party! Especially when done with your partner, this will help you flesh out your fantasy world, but it can also help you tune in to erotic detail - which can have real ramifications on your ability to take in sensually and visually exciting details of your environment in real life, not just in fantasy.

Have your partner describe the environment where the fantasy takes place is it in a castle in Spain? On a beach in Tahiti? In a whorehouse in 17th century London? Now make up the fantasy. What will you have Napoleon do to Josephine in Tahiti? What are you and your lover doing in that whorehouse? The physical pleasure you experience from sexual stimulation may help you get over your self-consciousness about talking. But you might also feel an opposite effect.


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  4. Listening to your lover talk can be positively orgasm-inducing. For the especially self-conscious, all these partner exercises can be done with your eyes closed, in darkness, even blindfolded. Sometimes this helps free you up to talk because you then focus less on being listened to or observed. Alternatively, you can do them sitting back to back. Yet they were right next to each other, not alone. Erotic talk need not be narratively-oriented, though telling stories is fun and story-telling can provide helpful structure and context for the shy person or the neophyte.

    You can also give directions, as I suggested in the exercise above. I found this habit of his extremely exciting. Robert talks all the way through his sexual encounters, spinning a web with his voice and his words that carries his partner in its escalating passion. He pays as much careful attention to his tone of voice as to his choice of words; his inflection weaves the erotic spell.

    The other crucial element in his hot talk repertoire deserves special mention: This is a very effective tactic. These are fine points that will help guarantee you get the response you want when you begin talking to your lover. After all, hearing yourself talk is all well and good - but most hot talkers I know feed off the passionate energy of an aroused and appreciative audience. For best effect, talk about something you both find highly erotic. After doing any of these partnered exercises, talk together about how it was for you.

    What felt especially exciting and what was disappointing? Would you like to modify it next time for greater effect? Be sure both of you get a chance to express your feelings and that you clarify whose turn-ons - and difficulties - are whose. In fact, you can do this to check in about your feelings regarding any erotic experiment. Remember, better communication usually paves the way for better sex. Dirty Talkers Speak Up Before we move on to look at other elements of talking dirty, roleplay and choosing your preferred language, here are more suggestions for getting comfortable and practicing.

    I asked several people who find talking dirty an important part of their sexuality to get together and share their secrets. But I also love reading to people. So does Jamie, who says she gave conscious attention to developing her voice so her erotic talk would be more effective. I like sex improv! Put 'em in a bag and pull three out at a time. Then make up a story. Or you and your partner can write things on slips of paper - objects, scenarios, types of sexual activity, erotic roles, places - and, randomly drawing three, use them to concoct a story to talk about.

    Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour are lovers who delight in hot talk. I love kinky little stories - throw in all the taboos. We can have five imaginary people in the room, gang-banging away. I always internalized it and thought I was too kinky. I see how receptive they are to that. Or I read erotica. Then you can segue into your own stories. And now we have cake and tea. If so, think back to those days when cake and tea materialized out of thin air, you transformed into Superman, or you had an invisible best friend.

    This sort of play, besides leading you right into erotic talk, can also lead you into roleplaying games. To let my lover know explicitly what the sensations are like in my body. I describe how it feels. I love listening, too. I remember having sex with this boy in college. I was on top of him, moving very slowly. That gives them a role to play too - that of listener. That totally pulls the other person in. Try talking for short periods of time. Turn the lights out. If either you or your partner fumbles for words, you can ask each other to be more specific or ask each other questions to draw out detail, which can help you get more involved in your narrative.

    Use the mirror to practice. Watching movies, particularly older movies where people used their voices especially effectively, can help you tune in to this quality. Or leave yourself a voicemail message; think of it as practice for leaving a sexy message for someone else. Describe how you masturbate, or a past sexual encounter.